Unfriended (2014) - A Review by Melissa Anoinette Garza

When I was first asked to review UNFRIENDED (2014), I thought it was FRIEND REQUEST (2016). I saw both when they originally came out and confused them. Personally, I prefer FRIEND REQUEST, but UNFRIENDED isn’t horrible. It isn’t good either. The sequel UNFRIENDED: DARK WEB (2018) and the similar social media exploration flick SEARCHING (2018) are both superior and contain better characters and more interesting plots. Still, this does get a bit of appreciation for being the first I had seen in the sub-genre.

My biggest grievance is the fuckwit characters. None of them are charming, kind or have any redeemable qualities. I hate them. Problem is, I can’t even like the ghost because when she was alive, she sucked, too. Birds of a feather flock together. To put it in perspective, I’ll discuss each caricature - I’m sorry - I mean “character” individually.

Mitch (Moses Storm) is a dipshit. He flashes around his knife like he’s a big shot, and his girlfriend Blaire (Shelley Hennig) is too much of a thick dumbass to know he’s definitely over-compensating for what he doesn’t have. She should be happy she never made it to prom with that jackhole. Mitch is a two-pump chump if I ever saw one. I don’t like that boy. He represents every thing I remember hating about high school, and he also resembles one of my own bullies. Fuck Mitch!

As for Blaire, she’s no prize, either. The bitch is upset because dead girl Laura Barns (Heather Sossaman) is Facebook stalking her and she can’t unfriend her. Okay, admittedly, that’s weird. I’d be a bit freaked out, grab my sage and call out to my spirit guides for help. What I wouldn’t do is jump to useless shitbag Mitch and expect him to do something. Even if it was a hacker, Mitch has nothing going on upstairs that would help. What the hell is that dude going to do outside of make another sock crusty that his mommy has to wash?

Next is Ken (Jacob Wysocki) who is just there to be the big gross dude. He talks about farts and eating within five minutes of being on cam. I honestly thought this trope wore out its welcome in the 90s. Whether Bee Boy 2 (Jason Warren) in KILLER PARTY (1986), Timmy (Travis McKenna) in CHEERLEADER CAMP (1988) Shelly from FRIDAY THE 13th Part III (1982) or any of the other dozens of examples, I hate this motherfucker. All these types do is make me wish I was watching NATIONAL LAMPOON’S ANIMAL HOUSE (1978) so I can see the one and sole time it actually worked, and that was because of John Belushi’s brilliance.

On the flip, Jess (Renee Olstead) is the popular blonde of the group with more attitude than brains. Val (Courtney Halverson) who is the only one I like in this mess gets pissed because pics of her partying are uploaded to Jess’s Facebook. Obviously, Val thinks Jess uploaded them and gets angry. Instead of Jess using her two working brain cells to understand Val’s point she starts a pissing contest with her. I hate chick fights in movies. They never do them right and it’s always about petty bullshit. Also, Jess saying she could take Val is laughable. Val’s got bite, strong arms and a fuck-the-world attitude. My money is on that bitch every day of the week. Jess would end up with a broken nose and shiners around each eye.

Don’t get me wrong. Val isn’t a great person. She’s a pretty shitty person, but I like her. She’s my kind of shit person. She’s still not the sharpest knife in the drawer. It takes her a really long time to realize that it isn’t her friends fucking around, but out of all the fuckwits, she’s my favorite.

Last on the list is Adam (Will Peltz). He’s an inconsequential creeper who sexed up Blaire behind Mitch’s back. He also date raped a chick and forced her to get an abortion. I loathe these boys, and I don’t like Blaire either. Fuck them all. If you’ve ever been to a frat party, you’ve met Adam and Mitch; and chances are you hated their fucking guts. Blaire chose to bed not just one of these jackasses, but both. The girl deserves to be fucked up by a ghost.

Characters aside, the rest of it is not too bad. There’s not any real scares or freaky moments but it’s like a Lifetime movie. You’re not necessarily enjoying yourself, but you’re not bored enough to change the channel, either. It’s a great background flick. You don’t care if you miss it, but if you catch it – that’s cool too.

In the end, if you have HBO and can stream it for free, give it a go. It’s definitely better than SLENDERMAN (2018), IT FOLLOWS (2014) and THE BYE BYE MAN (2017). At least, you get to watch moronic numskulls pay for being vain, bitchy, little, dimwits. That’s kind of fun.

Overall Rating: 4/10

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