Fem Goddesses of Horror: Sister Gertrude (Anita Ekberg)

Back in the day, KILLER NUN (1979) was on the video nasty list because of quite a few RAWRtastic scenes. I love sexploitation and I love nunsploitation so this flick was up my alley from jump. The fact that it made phony-ass, self-righteous dames and dudes appalled and nervous was just a bonus.

Of all things that made KILLER NUN worthwhile, it was the portrayal of Sister Gertrude by Anita Ekberg that called to me the most. She’s a bad nun. She’s a very bad nun! RAWR RAWR RAWR

Gertrude is a hardcore bitch who just went thru brain tumor removal. She still suffers headaches, blackouts and vision issues. The nun is worried about returning to duty at the hospital she works at so soon into her recovery. Gert was right. She’s in no condition to deal with sick, old and mentally ill peeps.

She attempts to properly tend to her patients and help out the docs on staff, but immediately begins to lose her cool. When handing a scalpel to Dr. Poirret (Massimo Serato), she has a panic attack.

She makes a quick exit and enlists the help of the sexy, young, quiet nun, Sister Mathieu (Paola Morra). Gertrude then goes to another patient’s room and cuts off the old woman’s oxygen for a few moments.

Despite, Poirret catching her in the act, he merely berates her and dismisses her symptoms. Gert asks for some morphine, but the buzzkill doc refuses. She then asks to be admitted for observation but once again, Poirret denies her request.

Gert goes over his head to fuckwit Mother Superior (Alida Valli), but the bitch won’t hear it. Superior’s a twat! It’s like, “Hey jagoff, the nun is telling you she’s off her rocker and you’re not doing squat. Get fucked, lady.”

Things get worse as Gert reads stories of torture to the patients during dinner. One poor, old broad takes her false teeth out while eating and Gertrude smashes the shit out of them. Admittedly, the nun went too far with that one, but she feels super awful about it. I blame Poirret and Mother Superior. She warned those fuckers.

Later that lady dies and the doc blames Gert upsetting her. Poirret is a dick and should lose his medical license for letting someone so unstable watch over the sick and elderly.

Gert sinks lower and lower into addiction and acting out. She becomes wild and wants to party. Imma want to party with her, too. I can handle her crazy.

She hits a bar and gives a stranger a come-hither look to end all others. She has him follow her to the stairwell of a nearby building and the happy boy gladly hurries to her. There Sister RAWR RAWR lifts her dress to show off her amazing black tights. This is about the time I yell at my TV, “take them off with your teeth, guy” but I got problems. I wish the nuns I knew were like this. She’s fun! They have a quick and yummy romp that leaves Gert with a very satisfied smile on her face. Good job, stranger man. You hit her button, nicely. That said, she really did help him along. That gal knows how to move to get her groove on.

Soon, the hot-to-trot nun starts an affair with Sister Mathieu. Mathieu has always been in love with Gertrude. The two have a ton of chemistry, but Gert isn’t very nice to her lover. She insults her constantly and even calls her a prostitute. Poor Mathieu. I actually like her. She’s seemingly sweet and affectionate. She even defends Gert to others who trash-talk her. I’m sure she’d be a very soft lover. I would have loved to see more of those two hitting the sheets.

Meanwhile, the patients are getting knocked off one after another and Gertrude is looking very guilty. Ahhh Yes. I should have mentioned that. This is a whodunit. It’s not just a sexy nun fun-time movie. It has layers.

Is Gert the murderer? Maybe. Maybe not. I’m not telling. Watch the flick and find out. It’s splendid.

Anita Ekberg owned the role from moment one. The struggles she went through and her emotionality never took away from her strength, prowess and determination. She was messed up and slightly quackers, but she was also in control. When banana-pants crazy, she could be venomous and wicked without ever raising her tone. She just has this way of cutting someone down to size which is spectacular. On the flip, she can also express such vulnerability. It is her remarkable bite combined with her inner turmoil, that makes for such an entertaining watch.

I totally understand why Mathieu is taken with Gert. When Sister Gertrude gives into her dark side, she has this seductress aura that follows her. Every word is like a prelude to either a slap or a fuck. What can I say? I like crazy bitches, and Sister Gert is one for the books.

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